The Specialists

One of the worst things about growing up is that you realize that many of the things you loved as a child were actually horrible. Maybe I’m just feeling particularly old today because my daughter just turned 16. Maybe I’m just cranky because I need a nap. I don’t know, but either way, I’m taking a YouTube tour of my youth, and the scenery is as embarrassing as it is cheesy.

But I’m not one to suffer alone. Take your Dramamine and strap yourselves in, because we’re about to take a trip to the early 80s.

I might as well get the most embarrassing entry out of the way first. Here’s “Mr. Roboto,” the most popular song from Styx’s concept Album Kilroy Was Here. It tells the story of a grim future where rock music is outlawed. But the greatest rocker that ever lived, Robert Orin Charles Kilroy (yes, his initials are ROCK!) escapes from rock prison by disguising himself as a maintenance robot and leads the mulleted hordes against their oppressors. Also, it’s lame.

(Sorry, it’s not embeddable.)

Next is Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends. Somehow this show made even Spider-Man uncool.

And here’s Dungeons & Dragons. It’s actually pretty amazing that this show was ever made, considering all the nonsense that was going around in the 80s about D&D being satanic and leading the hapless teens who played it to murder and suicide. I guess they made up for it by making it as kid-friendly as possible. Each of the characters got a different magic item, but nothing that they might hurt themselves with. These were the fantasy equivalent of safety scissors. The ranger’s bow shot arrows of light; the barbarian’s club was never used to hit living things, but to shake the ground; and the paladin got a shield. Not a cool Captain America-type shield that he could throw, but a regular old shield that he could hide behind. Ah well. The animation is actually not as bad as I thought it would be.

I haven’t seen the new V series, but I remember loving the original. I don’t recall many of the details now, but from watching this introduction, I think the aliens have come to Earth because they’ve run out of styling mousse on their home world. Also, underneath their human-looking skins, they are actually rubber lizard-people.

I couldn’t very well include one Marc Singer classic without also bringing out Beastmaster. I think this shows that the more I loved something as a kid, the crappier it actually was. I love how this trailer specifically mentions “dungeons” and “dragons”. It’s essentially saying, “Hey, nerds! Put down your 20-sided dice for a while and come see this movie!”

Before the recent CG hamster movie usurped the name, “G-Force” referred to a team of bird-themed superheroes. This show was originally called Gatchaman in Japan, but when they brought it to the U.S., they called it Battle of the Planets. They also modified the content of the show heavily to make it more palatable to American audiences, adding a silly robot sidekick and overdubbing one foul-mouthed character’s dialogue with nonsensical noises. I have to admit, this is making me want to watch this show. Don’t judge me.

Finally, here’s Thundarr the Barbarian, a post-apocalyptic science-fantasy which was clearly heavily inspired by Star Wars. I never missed an episode.

Actually… that’s kind of cool. Okay, so maybe some of these hold up better than others. Some of them may actually have some redeeming qualities. But not Beastmaster. That’s just awful.

Feel free to post your embarrassing childhood loves in the comments. Don’t worry, we’re all friends here!